Friday, February 17, 2012

The Morass

It has not been an easy start to 2012. I feel I owe a blanket apology to just about everyone in my life. I've been forgetful, distracted, neglectful and flakey. And if you've been (un)lucky enough to actually get my attention, I've been exhausted, downtrodden and just generally a drag to be around.

For the last six weeks or so, I've been in the middle of India. Figuratively.

There was a point mid-trip--in the middle of our five weeks in India and about midway through our entire seven-month adventure--when I had a crisis of conscience. Everything felt hard. Nothing was fun. It was not what I expected. I began to question not so much what we were doing, but what I was doing within our context--decisions, choices, attitudes, goals.

And maybe that's where I am today, though frankly I'm too overcommitted and overtired for much rumination. Don't get me wrong. I love being a wife. I love being a mother. I love my professional life. I'm fine with not having all the time for all the things I'd like in my life right now. But I've been too out of whack for awhile. I'm stealing "wife" time to be a "mom" and giving short shrift to my "mom" time to juggle my obligations for work. No one's really getting my full attention, and everything, including me, is suffering a bit for it.

But I'm working on it. I feel more hopeful today that I can get off the hamster wheel long enough over the next few days or week to try and slough some things off so I can try and divide my attention over fewer things more effectively.

It's funny, because almost as soon as we left India, I became obsessed with going back. To this day, it's probably one of the places that burns brightest in my memory and that I'm most anxious to take Otto and Stella to. (How old do you think kids have to be to go to India, anyway? Actually, the better question is probably how old do kids have to be to handle the long flight....)

I have faith that the same will be true of this time. That I will stop feeling slightly poisonous thoughts about those who say they "loved every minute" of life with their kids and will mostly remember that, truly, Stella and Otto are really awesome (except for those occasional times when they are not), and that it's a blessing to have an amazing husband and an inspiring, creative job and that I live in a time when I can have all of those things as part of my life.

So, please, bear with me. If you have suggestions for juggling or prioritizing, please let me know.


Emily Adamson said...

Great post, I bet it feels good to write about it! I admire you big time and as always appreciate how candid and honest you are.

Charity said...

Sarah...after reading this I wished we lived closer so we could commiserate together. It's so refreshing to hear such honesty about motherhood, and comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels a little 'lost' at times as well ('at times' and 'majority of the time' are interchangeable by the way). Hang in there friend, and let's definitely set up a time to get together soon!